Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
