Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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