Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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