i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
