Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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