every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
