sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
