Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
