Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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