they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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