He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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