we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
