just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
