Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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