I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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