My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
