If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
