my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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