Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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