if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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