Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
