and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Shame is for Republicans.
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