My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
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