I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
