it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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