Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
