So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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