Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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