does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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