The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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