I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
