Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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