Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
