why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
