I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
