It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
