Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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