I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
