just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
