There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
People in love make me want to vomit
Its about making memories worth repressing
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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