Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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