escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
