I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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