You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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