i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
