Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
