We won't sleep together?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
