i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Randomize
