Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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