the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My vagina is officially offended.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
