Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
