she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
